Captain Phillips

Have you ever heard of Barkad Abdi, Barkad Abdirahman, Faysal Ahmed, and Mahat M. Ali?  Neither have I, but I hope they get the chance to branch out from pirate roles because these four guys did a lot of the heavy lifting that made Captain Phillips one of the most engaging suspense-drama-thriller-type-movies I've seen in a long time.

Hey, Somali pirates, don't hurt Tom Hanks!  He's like the most affable man who has ever lived.  Also, don't try to outrun the US Navy in a shitty little lifeboat.  Ooh, this isn't going to end well.

Captain Phillips was good.  It was constantly suspenseful (although there was a little too much shaky-cam), it had scenes with lots of big boats and helicopters and things that at least appeared not to be CGI, there were surprisingly great performances from totally unknown actors, and it was all Based on a True Story.  It's the only movie I've ever seen that has pirates in it but does not absurdly romanticize the idea of what it means to be a pirate.

Its rating of PG-13 is a measure of how miscalibrated the MPAA rating system is.  The terror and violence and blood in this movie make it way more inappropriate for children than boobs or the f-word ever could.  So don't bring a kid to it.  But go, if you want to see a well-put-together thriller that will leave you a bit shaken and a bit thoughtful.

Ender's Game

Ahhh, that's the book cover I remember from my youth.  Those were simpler times.

I've always had a hard time enjoying T. S. Eliot's poetry because one of the first things I learned about him was that he was an anti-Semite.  I heard somewhere that Robert Frost beat his wife, and I have no idea if that's even true or not, but still it colors my view of his poetry.*  So suppose there was a popular American sci-fi author who, until recently, served on the board of the anti-gay hate group the National Organization for Marriage, and who lamented in 2004 that "already any child with androgynous appearance or mannerisms—effeminate boys and masculine girls—are being nurtured and guided (or taunted and abused) into 'accepting' what many of them never suspected they had—a desire to permanently move into homosexual society."

Hello, Mr. Card.

The World's End

Mediocre summer movies getting you down?  Here is some advice.  (It's a joke about how he's British.)  From a graphic design standpoint, I hate the fact that Simon Pegg's name isn't in caps, but the online Keep Calm generator wouldn't allow me to adjust the font size, and when it was in caps it spilled off the edges of the poster.  Yes, of course there is an online Keep Calm generator.

Oh, finally 2013 gives us a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful movie!  I had almost forgotten what it was like.  This has been such a lean year for movies.  So lean that as I write this, Despicable Me 2 is still playing at the eight-screen movie theater in the tiny town in West Virginia where I live.  I mean, I like wisecracking anthropomorphic Twinkies as well as the next guy, but the title of that movie ends in a numeral and it opened in July and it is now October.  There just wasn't anything worth a shit to replace it with.  All right, so Pacific Rim was good because of Guillermo del Toro and also you can't go wrong with Ron Perlman in armored golden shoes.  And Blue Jasmine was a lovely piece of filmmaking, a sensitively rendered portrait of one woman's psychological unraveling, a Streetcar Named Desire for the 21st century,* but it wasn't a bouncing-up-and-down-in-your-seat-with-delight kind of a movie.

The World's End was.

Here's Why You Shouldn't Watch Riddick

This promotional image, which is not intended to be ironic, is downloadable as desktop wallpaper from some website somewhere.  It has a hashtag on it in case you want to tweet something like "the latest #Riddick movie is really sexist and homophobic."

 
There are quite a few things about this movie that are forgivably bad, if you don't walk into the theater expecting much, but here's why you shouldn't pay a single solitary dime to watch Riddick, directed by David Twohy and starring Vin Diesel, who also has a producer credit.

Once again, Diesel's Riddick finds himself on a heavily art-directed alien planet with venomous space-beasts and ominous weather and difficult topography and so on.  He activates a sort of beacon-y thing and some mercenaries come and try to kill him.  All of them are men.

All except one.

She is a lesbian.

She is every douchey frat bro's fantasy of a really butch lesbian.

At the end of the movie, Riddick has sex with her.  Mercifully, this takes place offscreen, but he has sex with her.

Because you see, she was only a lesbian because she hadn't found a real man.

Fuck you, David Twohy.  Fuck you, Vin Diesel.  Fuck.  You.

Elysium

For plot reasons too convoluted to explain here, Elysium found it necessary to surgically implant a really old Garmin into the back of Matt Damon's head.

I just watched Elysium.  It was vivid, original, and flawed.  It made me uncomfortable, but I was riveted.  Quite a few reviewers disliked it.  I think I know why.

So yes, there were all kinds of things to dislike about how Elysium was put together.  The plot was a hot mess, full of holes and missing backstories.  The relationships between the characters seemed to take place at a distance.  A love story between Matt Damon and Alice Braga is gestured at but never fleshed out.  One character is killed and resurrected in a cheap, cheap, cheap plot twist.  Many actions are superficially motivated by concern for a sick child, but the movie treats her as nothing more than an adorable human football, to be whisked from one place to another for dramatic purposes.  We barely have the opportunity to know her.

Also, Jodie Foster's accent is all over the place, but you know, the movie is set in like 2152 or something.  Maybe in the 22nd century there's a whole country full of people whose accents are a shifting, vaguely patrician mashup of British-y, generic European-y, possibly South African-y actor-babble.  I mean, it's the future.  They have magic beds that cure your diseases and robot servants and a space station that looks like West Egg rolled onto the inside of a bicycle tire.  One lady with forced, stilted speech patterns is probably the least odd part of this movie's world.

This Is the End

This is a picture of a corn dog.  It isn't even from the movie.

Seriously, I have nothing to say about this movie.

The Heat

As a number of feminist bloggers have pointed out, some jackass photoshopped the living shit out of Melissa McCarthy in this photo, to the point that she doesn't even look like herself.  Fortunately, she looks like herself in the actual movie, and she's very, very funny.

So some movie development person watched Bridesmaids and thought, "Melissa McCarthy is hilarious!  Why don't we have her play pretty much the same character in a really by-the-numbers buddy cop movie with two women instead of two men?"

They did that and the result is a lot of fun.  You should go see it.  McCarthy is the wacky cop and Sandra Bullock is the hard-nosed, by-the-book FBI agent who just needs to loosen up.  They're a charming comedy duo.  There are vagina jokes in place of dick jokes.  There are also dick jokes.

Until I saw this movie, I didn't realize how fatigued I'd become with a summer movie lineup full of self-serious, CGI-driven blockbusters in which zombies gnaw people's faces off, civilization crumbles to the beat of a relentless thumping musical score, sleek and muscular superbeings careen purposefully through the air, and by the end of the movie a major American city lies in smoldering ruins.

The Heat makes no such tiresome demands on the audience.  It's just a series of solid comic scenes wrapped around a plot involving crime or drug-smuggling or some damn thing that you will probably care about for forty-five seconds, total, over the entire course of the movie.  Time flew by in the dark theater, the audience all laughed together, and John and I walked out into the rainy night feeling happy, relaxed and refreshed.