Premium Rush

Joseph Gordon-Levitt and his bike are in one place, but they must go to another place very fast.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt has a bike, and he also has a valuable piece of paper that a bad man wants.  He can ride his bike really fast, but the bad man chases him.  During the chase, the bad man is very bad, a lot. The piece of paper needs to get from Columbia University to Chinatown.

How few parts can a film or a bike be made of and still function?  Gordon-Levitt’s bike-messenger hero rides a fixed-gear bike with no brakes through a movie made only of a 91-minute chase with a few flashbacks.  Amazingly, it almost never gets boring.  (We’ll just forget about that gratituitous race through Central Park.  Don’t worry, it’s not too long.  They ride fast.  Go to the bathroom or buy some Runts or something.)

Other than that, there’s lots of balletic, gritty, hard-earned bicycle stunt work, a concerned lady whose role is to be super, super concerned about whether or not her valuable piece of paper reaches its destination, Aasif Mandvi, and an ex-girlfriend who manages to be a love interest while barreling all over Manhattan on another bicycle.  There is also a bike cop.  One of the rules of the movie is that when the bike messengers fall down, it’s serious and dramatic, but when the bike cop falls down, it’s hilarious.

“Premium Rush” is a good-natured, economical, oddly pure movie.  It contains no long speeches or elaborate theories.  It’s just a fun, fast ride.

Whatever That New Bourne Movie Is Called

Jeremy Renner attempts to conceal his beard behind a gun.

Just watched The Bourne (noun), another movie in which a super-duper-agent throws his lot in with a beautiful woman and then is pursued by killers through a foreign city, running across rooftops and riding a motorcycle rapidly through traffic and up and down stairs.

It was fun. Jeremy Renner displayed way less existential angst than Matt Damon, which was a relief. The stakes felt lower than in the other Bourne movies, but this one was always fun to look at. It was sort of like nice travel photography with occasional gunfire and drone strikes, and one fantastic cable-knit sweater. You'll know it when you see it. Man, I really wanted that sweater.

The plot consisted of a series of Very Serious Conversations about the drugs that made Jeremy Renner a super-duper-agent: what color they were, how often he needed them, where he had to go to get them, and how he could avoid needing them in the future. Secret, ominously named government supersoldier programs known only to Edward Norton appear to be a dime a dozen. Edward Norton also had access to an amazing room with many screens and phones that spat out plot information with astonishing speed and accuracy.

Finally, Jeremy Renner, an otherwise fine looking actor, should never grow a beard again. It looked like he had pubes coming out of his face.

Total Recall

Colin Farrell and his eyebrows.

Somewhere deep inside me, there's a sixteen-year-old boy that loved the shit out of the new Total Recall. Sure, it should have been at least fifteen minutes shorter, and five of those fifteen minutes were just shots of Kate Beckinsale striding purposefully down various corridors with her hair blowing dramatically around her face. Whatever. It was still a sweet valentine to a certain kind of sci-fi action movie from the late '80's and '90's. What it lacked in plot coherence, it made up for in sincerity, much of which was provided by Colin Farrell's bushy, soulful Irish eyebrows, which were constantly climbing his forehead in adorable consternation.

Prometheus

One character in Prometheus saw this alien parasite and immediately tried to pet it.  He died.

Prometheus is a visually stunning film in which unlikeable characters say dumb things to each other and constantly have stupid fights for no reason.

You already saw the good bits in Alien, sociopathic android and all. Mixed with these are a bunch of shitty subplots about romance, sinister corporate motives, and the struggle to maintain religious faith. Seriously, Ridley Scott has taken humanity's search for meaning in the universe and turned it into a fucking snooze-fest.

The only real take-away is that if you see a cave on an alien planet that looks like an H. R. Giger painting, DON'T GO IN THERE. Also, I lost count of the number of alien body parts that looked like moist, threatening vaginas with teeth.

Oh, and there's also a scene in which a woman programs a robotic medical pod to give her an abortion, but then the fetus turns out to be a squid. Because we've all been dying to see that in 3-D.